Sometimes everything goes wrong and makes a beautiful mess around me.
And I cry, because there is nothing I can do about it. And I will never do..
But I don't stop waste my tears. I cry.
The strong person is not the one who never cries, but the one who tare tears away and pick himself up again.
I am standing into a crossing. And I'm really not sure which way may I go.
I can't change things I am not sure about.
I know what I want, but I don't feel right about it.
I will let it be and go it's own way. I will believe in my destiny.
Being a goalkeeper is one great feeling. That's amazing how important role of game you get by being chosen by team.
That's unbelievable sometimes, how goalies save the game by them own.
And that's so amazing how I want and don't want to be a goalkeeper in same way.
I am taking year of, just to skip this feeling. I know I miss it, but every time I am been put inside the goal I get so upset and don't want to do goaltending.
A part of me wants to be a goalie so much than I can't explain. I know I still haven't done my best and that's what I have to show, mostly to myself.
It's inside me and I feel it right now too.
I want to prove than I am the best because that's what my goalkeeper heart says, but other part stops me and make me feel this disguise inside of me by being goalkeeper. I guess it have been too much hurt previous seasons so it's kind of unwanted self-protection.
And it's so amazing how floorball have stolen a part of my heart and stuck there for forever.
Have it been these last 14 years by playing it? I guess so.
Sitting on boat what's gonna take me to Oskarshamn. Later I will be driving alone to Varberg, where tomorrow will start goalkeeper camp. Why do I want to go there if I am not a goalkeeper anymore?
Well, I am not sure than my goalkeeper story is over... and first idea was to go to camp and see how teachers learn to our heroes the basic of goaltending. I want to be a part of them. I want to learn from teachers how to learn. My idea is- if I will not be a goalkeeper anymore, I want to teach all what I am to young talents who are gonna change our goalkeeper generation.
I have so much love to give. Than why it turns out in my life than I have non to give it? (to one special)I am trying, sometimes I do not try at all, but I am always failure. I don't want to be "just another girl" and I don't need and I don't want "just another boy" in my life to heal and fill up this empty, dark night.
I am not a women who just wants a men. I want a men who need me.
I guess i will keep on looking and waiting.
Don't you get a feeling from time to time than you wanna dissapear? Runaway. Start new beginning, meet new people...just exist with no feelings around?
I may kill just to have it right now. But all I know I should stop these thoughts and start to fight again. Be strong. Because that's only way what's left for me right now.
xoxo, Cherry Lauma
