This do not accords to all people I know but mostly so it is. Same like I and you, we have very good friends, we have family members, teammates, colleagues and than comes a lot of other kind of social groups we are sorting people we know. Some of them we care about very much, some of them little less, and some of them just.. exists for us.. but not saying like we do not care. We just haven't been so close to them to compare thise word to them. We meet people who we need in life not those who we want. So, that's why there is no Robbie Williams in my life! =) well.. I am trying to say, than there are always gonna be people who will ask you how you doing, but actually, they don't give a s_it how are you doing. It's just a nice phrase to make you feel than they care. But that's how it is. I am not better. I do ask these questions too, but actually, I have my own problems to solve and do they too, but thing is we still care. Just not showing our this side, 'couse we have our own problems. I hope I will always keep this promise than if one day I will feel like someone need me- I will run to him and be there. Care is the word.
Well, I have been in small depression previous weeks. My "emotional breakdown" can say. It's something better than the Big Depression when you wanna turn World off just for yourself, hide, be small, quit everything, even end your life, do not communicate with closest and dearest, skip meals, stand under hot shower and cry, trying to get out all bad things what have accumulate in your heart, go to sleep and wish to do not wake next morning. Small depression is something better. You wanna quit everything you do, stop and just exist by breathing, wanna live. Tired of being yourself, wanna change as inside as outside. Wanna do new things because now you feel like Chosen One who can see the future- every day the same by waking up 6.20 every morning and be at work by seven o'clock. Almost every day after work go to practice and hear than you have to be positive and always have to do your best just to get the first goalkeepers place. Bulls_it! 8+ hours at work, practice and insomnia. How can it be possible to be the best every day by day?
On Monday I wrote to coach if it's aloud for me to skip the practices with team during the week and go outside to run by my self instead 'couse we had no games and i have a lot to do at work and I am totally out of inspiration to be a goalkeeper. He said it's okej by mention if I wanna talk just let him know. Well, probably, that might be the smartest decision from my side if I would did that directly, but I still haven't. Didn't wanted to think about this, couse it's really letting me down. It's about our last game against Huddinge. We lost with 9-4. I know it takes a lot of focus to play against team which sits somewhere end of the score table, but I was ready to do my best and my energy level was enough much to be satisfied after the game and by puting my hand on heart say than: " good job, Laumis!" I started at goals and I was ready to fight not just for victory but because it was My Game too! After score 5-0 coach took me out of the goals and put our other goalie instead by saying than he didn't took me out because I had played bad but because we needed change something. I totally agree with him and he did the right thing 'couse it woke up our team. I was crying, I was just disappointed. Mostly on myself. I know what it takes to sit on bench and it really felt dishonest to be back there. I wasn't bad. I really wanna play. I still haven't did my best game jet. There are some really good ones, but I have this feeling inside me than I can more! I can much more!
I am a girl. I am a human being. When I feel sad, I cry. When I feel happy, I laugh and smile.You can't ban me to cry, it's not included in my Club contract!
Last week I worked more than I should. Around 50 hours. All week long I couldn't found motivation to go home. Four walls just might be making me even more sad than I was already. I was staying at work longer, some days started earlier. I am really grateful than we are aloud to listen to music while we are working. Music is like my savior. Like float in puddle. On Thursday I come home around 20.00. after some minutes I got this crazy idea to buy tickets to ferry for next day and just go somewhere. To leave this lovely island where barley every second one know who you are, away from my routine, my four walls and everything what have become near and dear to me.
Freedom. Aimless Destination. To go wherever you wanna go, do what ever you wanna do, eat when and what you want. Without fear than something can get wrong because nothing can get wrong because I had no plan! From ferry to buss, from buss to Big City's buss terminal, from terminal to the street and just look.. here is the Scandic hotel, Best Western, Radisson blue, etc.. Just pick one!
I got into the room, fall into the bed and understood than it wasn't my mind which brought me here. It was my heart. If I might be listened to my mind, absolutely, I would be in Visby, crying in my white sheets. But here I was. I did that. I kicked away this damn wall which always hold me back from trying new, crazy, spontaneous things.
Saturday in Stockholm was cold as in whole Europe. I had my camera with me, but my fingers was too cold and those damn gloves didn't wormed up them as they should, so there was more inside sights than outside ones. I really didn't expected to buy something, but of course, come out from some stores with some extra handbags with me. Around 15 o'clock I took my first meal for day. Wasn't so hungry eather than, but my common sense made me to! Thanks for that, sweety. I ran into next warm place, small pizzeria, ordered lasagna. I sat by the window by table for two. Waitress brought me a hot lasagna plate. It was still really hot. Staring outside the window I gently blow my breath on lasagna piece on my fork. I felt how tears came into my eyes from nowhere..
I am free...
I don't wanna be alone anymore. I wanna be two.
I came back to room. Took of my clothes and went into a hot shower. Fingers and whole body was aching by frost. Hot water burned my skin. After few minutes it took the same temperature as water was. I took a towel and wrap myself into it. Another one worth living feeling i got when cold air touched my uncovered wet skin. Like a touch of the Death. Trembling and shaking ran's over my bones and disappears.
Under the covers! Cold. I felt how tiredness breathed into me. I fall asleep. I needed to sleep all what I haven't be slept all week long.
I came home on Sunday. Homecoming. I am calm and peaceful. Heart too. This was the best I have done for myself for while now. Little soulhealing. Check!
xoxo,
Miss Cherry Lauma
Miss Cherry Lauma
