When Sun shines from Behind, I see my shadow walking in front of my steps.. and I am too scared to turn around and let the Sun light illuminate up my face.

Yesterday I woke up. It was warm and uncozy foggy Saturday. But some beauty this day was carrying on it's shoulders anyway.

As a girl, I always wanna look good, and when I like how I look I feel good. Yesterday I made up my hair like 7 times at least so I decided to drop myself in to Hairdresser. Luckily I step inside the very first Barber-shop and they took my wishes and made my hair shorter and somehow in a cute order. From now you will be aloud to see my natural- curly hair.
Thank you very much! Now I feel good again.

I don't like to don't get what I want. Who does!? But that's how it is in Life. it seems like it always have some meaning or it's just complicated. Right now I stand in a position where I understand than I don't need this, but I want it so bad. And I don't know anymore what's right and why it's wrong? Mixed emotions. I don't see the end.. but I like the process.

I am drinking my second coffee today. Have slept at least half of what I should slept.
Mother Nature, thank you!

It's floorball-day today. Will start with A-team playing 13 o'clock. My company is main sponsor today and will give a price to best players. I have them in my car. Cute, I am the choosen one who will give them to best players today.
Later it's one game between and than my team is gonna play. A bunch of new, little bit unsure but talantive girls. The goal this year is go up to first division. I will give all my best to get there.

New haircut, same old fake gaga-blue contact lenses in my eyes just to hide my soul from other eyes, sensetive feeling and heavy heart.
I think I should smile more. 

sincerely Your Cherry Lauma.

The Cookie is a lie!

Life, I love you, but to the question do I am ready to die, I answer yes. Do I am ready to live is a more difficult question. It's easier to stop and quit instead of taking a challenges and except new begunings and endings. Isn't so? But more or less nothing is in my hands. I stand here with empty open hands and with my naked soul. I stand here as I am.. and isn't it important than I am here?

Life is a crazy thing!
We are life for others.
Life is happy, sad, colorful, exciting, uniform, pathetic. That's we. How can you denied what you are by not accepting how we are. It's normal.

    How should I be? 
If I had slept good everyone believes I am healthful.
If I am happy everyone believes I feel awesome. 
Trying to be positive and everyone believes I am at home for fun or just lazy.
If i look tired people are avoiding me.
If I have a bad mood they think I am asshole.
If I am negative they think I am complaining and don't wanna be around me not at all.

So question is How should I be
to be accepted for real 
and still be me and feel how I feel at given moment? /GH/

Everyone is trying so hard to impress people around them selves so they faking they'r own feelings. And that's how we do nowadays. And that's how I feel too. it's just sad.
" I wanna feel acceptable, so I fake my true "ego" at given moment. I am acting positive, smiling at times when all I really want is to scream my lungs out and to cry. I fake my own personality hiding myself in people eyes, who live in a fairy-tale. They do not accept sad things, but still they are whining and trying to get acceptable in other eyes. It's like a chain... I don't wanna be a part of it. "

I am sick of main idea of World outside. I wanna believe too than everything at the end is gonna be okej, but it start's to fade away.. a while ago.. There will never be a World Peace! Only when most of human race is gonna extinct. There is no place for Peace until Ambitious of Power is around.

Sometimes I cry for nothing just to feel sadness inside of me. And I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel happiness at all. I feel empty at those moments and just wanna start a new beguining. Sometimes I wanna stop. And when I feel I can't do anything about it, I rise up give all myself to destiny. I let it lead my way. Shall happens what should happens.

I hope everyone could find his freedom. Mostly religious people, sorry by saying like that. But that's not freedom by putting yourself in a frames and I ment The Book.  Can't do this, can't do that. I think they miss a lot of life in their lives. They are pointing their fingers in other lifes saying- you are living wrong, but they do the same. They wanna be better than their own friends and all church members or what ever they call their selves. That what I had experienced previous month, I can say, I feel more "right" person than they are. And now, probably, someone is gonna decide to "save me" by saying I am wrong, but I feel different. I believe too. I believe in Love. and that's all what matters. Love is endless and unconditional. Love is everywhere and everything. No person and no book will ever draw me into a frame. That's freedom for loving heart.

Who's idea was eating ice-cream while you feel sad/bad?
It's a lie than it makes you feel better!  after a few spoons you can't stop because it's so delicious and you eat a half of the box. And you start to feel bad, because you start to thing about all calories you ate and where they will end up in your body and how it's gonna affect you and you think you are gonna look fat in other eyes and more important in yours too. You are gonna feel fat in other people eyes, but it upsets you even more so you eat all box of ice-cream... You are not fat. Even if you are, you are beautiful. Who should give a d** what other thinks about you. it's your personality which shines true you, it's your beauty inside. Beauty comes from inside. It's our sick society which put's frames everywhere. If you don't fit in frame, you are "second hand" person? Don't think so.
I just ate whole 500g box of Ben&Jerry's and I know how to make it disappears from my but..

I have been fighting all my life and I still do. I am so stubborn but I am not going to give up and bend for you on my knees anymore. But I know at the end you will win over me. Asthma Bronchialis. I know you are sleeping inside me right now, but I feel you in my lungs every spring and every autumn year by year. And still I have to thank you by making me a fighter as I am.

xoxo,

Your Cherry Lauma