Depression

I ache for this day to end. Fall asleep and hope for no tomorrow. 'cause everyday is exactly the same.
No job at the moment. Have sent apply to 4 companies in Sweden, 1 to Switzerland and one to Norway.
I bet they have vacation.. Have to find new accommodation, but don't know where will I be working.

Miss my family. Christmas dinner. Being all together. Last time I remember us like that was far 2007.
Dad and one sister in Latvia, other sister moving from Sweden to Latvia in 3 weeks period, twinsister is in USA and mom in Switzerland. I am stuck here in Sweden between depression and faith. Seems like I cant find joy anywhere. Today I smiled because a child smiled at me. Why it's so tough!?

Alone. Walls I had built around me was just a trick of mind. I don't want to be alone. I wanna trust people, get hurt and trust again. I want to be their choice even if I am just 2nd one.

I miss home. badly.
I don't have a home.
I have just a shelter.

Ch.Lauma

truth is my common sense

Sleepless, late nights and bleak, grave, sober mornings.
Lately, I wake up when it still counts as a morning but push myself out of my bed by noon.

I miss clarity and structure of my life.
-Lauma, where do you want to go? What you want to become? Where you want to work? You want to play floorball? You want to study?
- I have no f (*x6) idea.
- Then I as your life will keep on kicking your ass until you finally decide, you little *(x1 bad word)!

Most of the people wants to hear truth. But they don't really want to hear it. I have made many mistakes and I like to think than I have learned from them. Sometimes you really has to shut up, bite your tongue and let it be the way it has always be. You see, sometimes you can't be yourself and think different, because you has to be like anyone else. That's the reason of my depression. (?)
I don't believe than humanity will ever let us be different. It's something even I had probably misunderstood and locked in some other person, because it's not the way I think. Stupid and smart at the same time.. called mistakes we make.

I want to be happy. I want to be calm inside and enjoy little things. I used to be the person who sees beauty in everything and everywhere. Where did it all went? Where did I locked it?

I don't feel so good.

truth is my common sense,
CherryLauma
P.S. It's my name day today.