Silence. I can't surround myself with words strong enough to encourage myself not to cry. I sit there with arms wrap around my knees and tears trembling down my cheeks.
- Who am I...- I whisper throw my cranky voice.
- They are going to laugh about you. You are really thinking to succeed in Swedish? Writing in Swedish in Swedish talking school? For god sake, you are Latvian! You have already forgotten where to put a comma in Latvian sentences and you call it your mother language. And you are going to study in Swedish!? What were you thinking?!
- What were I thinking.. - I whisper.
- It's not going to be easy, but sure, go on. You are the fighter as you always say to me. Go and fight! Just think first, how will you manage to fix these roadtrips to Falun! Where will you get money for gasoline? Staying in Mora? Just for floorball? Your precious floorball don't pay for your accommodation and food on your table! Have you ever thought about that?
- I know...
- Your precious floorball... You haven't been practicing as hard as your teammates this summer! You choose summer work before your precious floorball. How does that feel?! And you want to be a part of this team? Do you really want that? You are going to sit on that bench again as you have done previous years! You are nothing to compare!
- I don't want to hear no more! Just leave!!!
- Sure, I can leave. But where will YOU go? You have noone here! And why's that? You know why. You don't let noone in! You have build walls so high around yourself so you are overprotecting yourself! You have been hurt, but none made you to fall in love with him! That's your own responsibility and you know that! And now you sit here and cry again like a little girl. I am in shame, Lauma! You should call your sister or mom. Oh wait... you refuses to do that ether, because you think none is responsible for your sadness and fear, only you! You call, but never tell how you actually feel. You are so scared! So messed up! You love them so much so you don't want to make them sad or to feel sorry for you, to be with you and make them feel as part of your story! It's your family, for God sake!
- But they have their own problems!
- You just don't get it...
- Just leave! I don't want to listen to you. Just leave me forever!
The sound of wings of a flying birds makes my heart beat faster. My eyes become bigger and hot blood- Adrenalin takes over my body - I'm in seconds of fear. Who is there!?
I hear footsteps coming closer and shadow growing bigger and longer in front of mine. I hide my head in my embraced knees. I can't stop tears from falling and my breathing to calm down. I feel the gentle hand on my shoulder and soft voice coming from above my head.
-Are you okej, Laumis?
I refuse to answer. I refuse to stop crying. Instead I start to cry even more and gather up smaller as I can. As much as I don't want to be seen like this, I don't want to be left like this either. And she didn't.
We sat together for a little while with hers arm on my shoulder and gentle touch. I am not alone anymore..
-Tell me, why are you sad?
What's bother you?
Has someone is dying?
Silence. I have calm down and held my head up again with eyes closed, still covered with tears, feeling that summer breeze on my face.
I did something I was surprised to do. I rest my head on hers shoulder.
-It's me.- I said.
-You what?- she smiled.
- It's me who is dying. Just inside. Little by little.
- just let go of illusion of fear, and you will be okej.- she smiled.
I smiled back.
//99
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