And please, don't start to judge me and teach me. In fact, please do it. You have all right to do whatever you want. Same here- I can do whatever I want. But there is some consequences. For you too. So, please, think!
I have died few times inside. I have been thinking of leaving this planet for many times. So have you too at least once, right? I am just really honest here. I just don't do it because it's wrong and I don't want to disappoint my mom and make my family to suffer. I will never ever forgive myself of killing my body. That's not why I am here. That's not purpose of my life. My precious breathe.
Life is not easy. And it's not easy to live it so everyone will be happy with your decisions. But if I never tried, I will never become the person I am today. I have made soooo many mistakes, so many wrongs, but I never regret something, anything! So neither should you.
But I am tired. I am 25 and I understand than I am in the middle of founding myself and accepting new sides of me. Falling in and out of love. Traveling around, switching places and looking for place called home. Missing my family and fighting against negativity in some people minds and thought they think I have no idea about. I am a smart girl! I know what're you thinking about and how you make me feel is real!. I am trying to pick myself up all the time and never become the suffering soul. Trying to be a good friend and never let people down, help as much as possible, do my best because I love to do my best!
This is tough period in my life and is not the first and not the last one ether. I want to go to the place where my roots begun. But that place is messed up. Lot's of minds are locked and people are negative and arguing with each other mostly when it comes to political views. And I believe this is the main problem of everything. The structure of politics reflects the citizens of it. And we are not okej. I wish I could be stronger for my Latvia. I wish I could have energy to return back. I wish I could feel than I have to do that. But I don't. And this feeling is hurting/killing me inside. You may say just stop thinking about it, but it's exactly the same as trying to stop Diarrhea mentally.
I am Latvian who have become Swedish citizen and facing two different cultures. How to fit in into one of them if you carry so much from another? How to close your eyes and pretend I have no clue what's going on in one of my countries, while my eyes are wide open and I see difference in another?
Yes, I have two countries. I love both of them.
You may say, it's wrong to be this honest in social media. I don't care. That's stereotype someone made up. People hide the truth and the way they feel. And I am tired of it. I don't like the World I live in. I want to change things. I want everyone to have clean water to drink and pair of shoes to walk that corridors in school. I want people to love every living being. Starting with themselves and ending with smallest fly. We all are here for the reason. I want every people to care for each other and this planet we have. This is the only planet we have!
.. and so much more..
I want to write a book. Book about Latvian girl in Sweden who become the Goalkeeper of Swedish National Floorball Team. Book about how we want to be the same, but we will never be, because World have to become One Country to achieve that. As long as we have so many borders and cultures and stereotypes, we will never face the World Peace.
Cherry Lauma
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