Supergirls don't cry.

Warning! This post can contain negative thought. 

Fuck it! Supergirls does cry...
Just finished my Skype- session with mom... I am in Sweden, she is in Switzerland and rest of the family in Latvia. My little broken family...
I had never felt loneliness so strong as these previous two days. Whole Latvian Nation was celebrating Latvian Independence Day yesterday.. I shouldn't were that t-shirt of Latvian colors... just wanted to fit in while all I do is fit out. I will never be a swede. I am a Latvian.

Dreamed about my grandma yesterday.. woke up by crying in my pillow. God, I miss her! I wish I could call her! I wish I could had a chance to say how much I love her!

Why don't pack my bags and leave?
I can't.
This is my dream. And I am not done with it or more specifically it's not done with me. Leaving is easy.. I have done it more times than I should, but I guess that's has always have been a part of my journey. I have learned so much. I have felt so much. I have loved so deeply. But is my dream- playing in Sweden worth the tears I am crying now?

Yes.
I have become so strong that thought of being weak is like a wish of remedy to my soul which have never happened.

I need a hug. A masculine hug. A kiss on a forehead and my head resting on his chest, listening into his voice filling up the room of melodies I like and his fingers softly playing the rhythm on my back. Beautiful. That's another dream.

Love,
CherryLauma

Airport chair. Playing with words.

I want to run away. again.
Sit in a airport corner waiting for my flight.
Sipping coffee and hoping to get something stronger in it.
wear my best outfit and feel better than I do.
Put those earrings on, small and black,
dark smooth boots and bag full of books I like.
Listen to Hilary Duff's Come Clean
I close my eyes and hold my tears.

"Waiting feels so perfect"..

Where did I let myself go?
Where did I lost my I?
Was it the wrong train I jumped in?
Or was it meant to be?

I want to run away again.
Sit in a airport corner waiting for the buss to take me away
to the new city I may adore.
To the new beginning I may hate
Lie to myself than I love it..

Homesick for feeling I call home
Grows stronger each day by day.
Is this the train which takes me home?
If not, I may n't follow.

//CherryLauma

Scared for Life.

- Who do you think you are, Lauma?
Silence. I can't surround myself with words strong enough to encourage myself not to cry. I sit there with arms wrap around my knees and tears trembling down my cheeks.
- Who am I...- I whisper throw my cranky voice.
- They are going to laugh about you. You are really thinking to succeed in Swedish? Writing in Swedish in Swedish talking school? For god sake, you are Latvian! You have already forgotten where to put a comma in Latvian sentences and you call it your mother language. And you are going to study in Swedish!? What were you thinking?!
- What were I thinking.. - I whisper.
- It's not going to be easy, but sure, go on. You are the fighter as you always say to me. Go and fight! Just think first, how will you manage to fix these roadtrips to Falun! Where will you get money for gasoline? Staying in Mora? Just for floorball? Your precious floorball don't pay for your accommodation and food on your table! Have you ever thought about that?
- I know...
- Your precious floorball... You haven't been practicing as hard as your teammates this summer! You choose summer work before your precious floorball. How does that feel?! And you want to be a part of this team? Do you really want that? You are going to sit on that bench again as you have done previous years! You are nothing to compare!
- I don't want to hear no more! Just leave!!!
- Sure, I can leave. But where will YOU go? You have noone here! And why's that? You know why. You don't let noone in! You have build walls so high around yourself so you are overprotecting yourself! You have been hurt, but none made you to fall in love with him! That's your own responsibility and you know that! And now you sit here and cry again like a little girl. I am in shame, Lauma! You should call your sister or mom. Oh wait... you refuses to do that ether, because you think none is responsible for your sadness and fear, only you! You call, but never tell how you actually feel. You are so scared! So messed up! You love them so much so you don't want to make them sad or to feel sorry for you, to be with you and make them feel as part of your story! It's your family, for God sake!
- But they have their own problems!
- You just don't get it...
- Just leave! I don't want to listen to you. Just leave me forever!
The sound of wings of a flying birds makes my heart beat faster. My eyes become bigger and hot blood- Adrenalin takes over my body - I'm in seconds of fear. Who is there!?


I hear footsteps coming closer and shadow growing bigger and longer in front of mine. I hide my head in my embraced knees. I can't stop tears from falling and my breathing to calm down. I feel the gentle hand on my shoulder and soft voice coming from above my head.
-Are you okej, Laumis?
I refuse to answer. I refuse to stop crying. Instead I start to cry even more and gather up smaller as I can. As much as I don't want to be seen like this, I don't want to be left like this either. And she didn't.

We sat together for a little while with hers arm on my shoulder and gentle touch. I am not alone anymore..

-Tell me, why are you sad?
What's bother you?
Has someone is dying?

Silence. I have calm down and held my head up again with eyes closed, still covered with tears, feeling that summer breeze on my face.
I did something I was surprised to do. I rest my head on hers shoulder.
-It's me.- I said.
-You what?- she smiled.
- It's me who is dying. Just inside. Little by little.
- just let go of illusion of fear, and you will be okej.- she smiled.
I smiled back.

//99

You are like a wind in my life.

People are like a wind in my life. Some comes like a light summer breeze and surrounds me with calm and loving touch. Makes me feel vulnerable but safe in their embrace.
Some are like hurricane and blistering blizzard who brakes me and makes me creep and bend. But I turn to survive them and learn to love them too. 
... and then I realize I will never be the same person than I was before I met you. That's where I grow and change. We change each other. So speak your words wisely and tend your actions into greatness. Be kind to each other, that's my only wish for human kind. Be kind no matter of fact what that person have done to you, how much they have loved you or hurt you. Because it's probably they who needs it the most- the kindness. 
I think that this World needs more act of kindness. Stop hate someone who broke your heart- that person don't have to take responsibility over your decision to fall in love in/with him/her. The decision was yours and only yours. This World needs to take more responsibility of their act and spoken words. "Don't take world too serious, it's not like you are going out of it alive" but I say- do it! Take cautions and response about your actions, your words. What you do, what you say- it counts! It changes the world and the people. We change each other by the way we connect and act. Take care of yourself and your family. Take care of people who have been there for you when you have needed it the most and forgive those who didn't. Some people in our life comes by like hurricanes, some as a summer breeze. When you learn to accept and love both of them- you learn to love yourself.
I have been that breeze and cold blizzard in someones life. And I am sorry for all the tears I brought in your eyes, I was on my way to change, to learn. 

At the top view is beautifu

I climb that mountain and you were right. The view at the top is beautiful.

I met this men playing violin in front of his home- Sweden and beautiful Dalarna. Why I dont do as him? I know I have always wanted to play in nature too... Why do I care so much what people think about me? Some will always like what I do and some dont. I can't please everyone. I wanted to get away from people who enjoyed the view same as I did.

I went to other side of the mountain, where casual people dont go. I went thru blueberry field, with tree trunks and wet and fluffy ground under my feet. Birds was singing and pure silence covered me. I sat down at the stone with view to forest. Put my knees close to my body and embrace them- myself... I just stare and let my thoughts flow...

Thoughts about our environment, people kind, my new work, the guy I like but he don't "like me back", floorball, practices, school, birds and ants, mosquito anatomy. Thoughts about how much I miss to have a car- the freedom! Thoughts about how to get one. My feature and next 4 years, probably in Falun. Floorball and goalie stuff...

- What are you doing here?
I froze. Heart started to beat faster. I throw a look over my shoulder.

- Just siting and enjoying the silence... Thinking. (I smile)

- All by yourself?
- (I stare at him) Sometimes it's good to get away from people. It's good for your soul.
- mhm..
- And you? I see you are running.
- Yeah, I come here every week...
- That's a good practice...
- In deed. Its beautiful here.
(He points against the horizon and by counting the mountain curves tells that he has got a little cottage there across.)
- Where are you form?
- I am from Latvia, but have been living in Sweden for 7 years. Come here to play floorball as 19 years old. I live in Mora for now.

-Oh, okej. I am from Mora too.

- So you have been running all the way here from Mora? (being sarcastic, actually)

- No, I am on vacation here. Are you playing with Kais?

- I was. Haven't got new contract yet. That's one of the subject I am thinking about... To stay ... or to leave. Seems like communication is not working. (silence) But that's not the first time. I have been playing in few more teams in Sweden and this "problem"is everywhere.
- Well, you know, this is Sweden and it's just this way. But hey, listen. If they don't communicate with you, do your best at communicating with them. This is Sweden, we are not going to change.
- I don't know about that. (silence) There is always a Switzerland. (I smile and looked at him).
He looks at me and smiles back.
- Right, and with more beautiful mountains and views!
- I don't complain about this view. (silence)
- Well, it was nice to run on you. (He smiles) Hope everything will turn out fine for you!
- Thank you and watch your steps!
- (He smiles.) Bye!
- Bye.
He runs away and quickly disappear from my sight. All I saw was his curls and t-shirt with back covered in sweat. Gone.

I didn't want to start to cry but it just happened. Tears rolled down my eyes, over my cheeks and smashed into the stone. What am I going to do? Stay or go?

#99

I wish I could be stronger for my Latvia!

Honestly, I am tired. I am tired of this life.
And please, don't start to judge me and teach me. In fact, please do it. You have all right to do whatever you want. Same here- I can do whatever I want. But there is some consequences. For you too. So, please, think!
I have died few times inside. I have been thinking of leaving this planet for many times. So have you too at least once, right? I am just really honest here. I just don't do it because it's wrong and I don't want to disappoint my mom and make my family to suffer. I will never ever forgive myself of killing my body. That's not why I am here. That's not purpose of my life. My precious breathe.
Life is not easy. And it's not easy to live it so everyone will be happy with your decisions. But if I never tried, I will never become the person I am today. I have made soooo many mistakes, so many wrongs, but I never regret something, anything! So neither should you.
But I am tired. I am 25 and I understand than I am in the middle of founding myself and accepting new sides of me. Falling in and out of love. Traveling around, switching places and looking for place called home. Missing my family and fighting against negativity in some people minds and thought they think I have no idea about. I am a smart girl! I know what're you thinking about and how you make me feel is real!. I am trying to pick myself up all the time and never become the suffering soul. Trying to be a good friend and never let people down, help as much as possible, do my best because I love to do my best!
This is tough period in my life and is not the first and not the last one ether.  I want to go to the place where my roots begun. But that place is messed up. Lot's of minds are locked and people are negative and arguing with each other mostly when it comes to political views. And I believe this is the main problem of everything. The structure of politics reflects the citizens of it. And we are not okej. I wish I could be stronger for my Latvia. I wish I could have energy to return back. I wish I could feel than I have to do that. But I don't. And this feeling is hurting/killing me inside. You may say just stop thinking about it, but it's exactly the same as trying to stop Diarrhea mentally.
I am Latvian who have become Swedish citizen and facing two different cultures. How to fit in into one of them if you carry so much from another? How to close your eyes and pretend I have no clue what's going on in one of my countries, while my eyes are wide open and I see difference in another? 
Yes, I have two countries. I love both of them.


You may say, it's wrong to be this honest in social media. I don't care. That's stereotype someone made up. People hide the truth and the way they feel. And I am tired of it. I don't like the World I live in. I want to change things. I want everyone to have clean water to drink and pair of shoes to walk that corridors in school. I want people to love every living being. Starting with themselves and ending with smallest fly. We all are here for the reason. I want every people to care for each other and this planet we have. This is the only planet we have!
.. and so much more..

I want to write a book. Book about Latvian girl in Sweden who become the Goalkeeper of Swedish National Floorball Team. Book about how we want to be the same, but we will never be, because World have to become One Country to achieve that. As long as we have so many borders and cultures and stereotypes, we will never face the World Peace.

As I sit here again and try to catch your attention.. I am tired. This is the World we live in. The only World I have. And I don't like what I see. And I don't like to pretend than I don't see what's going on. We have to accept and do something about what we see. Open your eyes. Open your heart even more.

Cherry Lauma

Depression

I ache for this day to end. Fall asleep and hope for no tomorrow. 'cause everyday is exactly the same.
No job at the moment. Have sent apply to 4 companies in Sweden, 1 to Switzerland and one to Norway.
I bet they have vacation.. Have to find new accommodation, but don't know where will I be working.

Miss my family. Christmas dinner. Being all together. Last time I remember us like that was far 2007.
Dad and one sister in Latvia, other sister moving from Sweden to Latvia in 3 weeks period, twinsister is in USA and mom in Switzerland. I am stuck here in Sweden between depression and faith. Seems like I cant find joy anywhere. Today I smiled because a child smiled at me. Why it's so tough!?

Alone. Walls I had built around me was just a trick of mind. I don't want to be alone. I wanna trust people, get hurt and trust again. I want to be their choice even if I am just 2nd one.

I miss home. badly.
I don't have a home.
I have just a shelter.

Ch.Lauma